The 5 People I Feel Sorry For

Mitch Albom has "The 5 People You Meet In Heaven".  I have "The 5 People I Feel Sorry For".  Mitch Albom, I ain't.

1. Whoever has to take over for Bob Barker.  The game show icon that has brought a smile to so many and sexually harassed so many more is finally hanging up his long, skinny microphone after hosting the Price is Right for 94 years.  For his last episode, he will personally spay and neuter a cat (which is virtually impossible) right there in the middle of the Showcase Showdown.  That's going to be a tough act to follow.  I recommend Sinbad.

2. The poor guy who has officially hung up his hopes and dreams of ever being taken seriously as a musician by entering and winning the New Alka-Seltzer "Plop Plop Fizz Fizz" Jingle Contest.  One of the lines goes, "I don't know what's in it, but it starts working in a minute."  I know what's in it, Mr. Josh Anderson.  It's your artistic pride and credibility.  Watch it slowly dissolve away.

3. The shoe rental guy at the bowling alley where the Mavs went last night.  Mavericks guard Greg Buckner was able to convince all his teammates to spend their first day off after an 11-day, 6-game road trip and a back to back home game against Milwaukee by bowling for dollars to raise money for Buck's charity that provides financial assistance to underprivileged students that maintain a 3.5 GPA.  Imagine this scenario: Shoe Rental Guy - "Hey, little Timmy!  I heard you aced that Chemistry test even though you live next to a meth lab."  Little Timmy - "Sure did, Mister.  In fact, living next to the meth lab is how I got so good at Chemistry."  Shoe Rental Guy - "Hah!  Timmy!  You're a such a ham.  What size shoe do you need?  I just aerosoled them."  Little Timmy - "I would like a 6 1/2, please."  (Enter DeSagana Diop)  Shoe Rental Guy - "Hey, Gana!  And what size shoe do you need?"  Diop - "19."  Shoe Rental Guy - "S***, I don't stock those."

4. Dannie Lynn Hope, the daughter of Anna Nicole Smith.  Your mother's dead.  You're brother's dead.  You're father could be anyone with a pulse.  Or some without a pulse.  They don't want you for you, they want you because you're worth millions of dollars.  And you're only 6 1/2 months old.  I thought my adolescence sucked.  Thick glasses, bad acne and a figure resembling a tube of Chap-Stick ain't got nothing on what you're going to go through when you get older.

5. Whatever guy has to replace Dirk as the Mavs star player.  I hate to think about it, but it's inevitable.  Players eventually retire.  The Bulls had to replace Jordan.  Twice.  The Celtics had to replace Bird.  The Mavs will have to replace Dirk.  Dirk is the best player on the best team in the league, and he will go down as the greatest European to play the game.  I don't think you can say best foreigner just yet, because Duncan isn't American and Olajuwon isn't American and Bill Walton isn't even an Earthling.  All I'm saying is that those are going to be some big shoes to fill when Dirk finally leaves us in 2025.  Can you imagine how much tougher it would be if Dirk personally spayed and neutered a dog on the Mavs logo at center court during halftime of his final home game?  PREMISE!

3 CHEERS: MAVS 105 @ HORNETS 89

DIRK'S DIGITS!

Because it was a blowout, because we had just slogged through a road trip that took us to 6 different cities in 11 days, because he had a sinus infection, and because we had to immediately fly back to Dallas for a game the very next night, Dirk played 23 minutes.  It was still enough time to score 15 points on 7 of 9 shooting, grab 3 boards and get a steal.  From there, he just got to enjoy the show because this one wasn't as close as the final score indicates.  And even the final score isn't close.  On this trip, Dirk averaged 23 points, 6.2 rebounds, and 55 % shooting.

1. Josh Howard - Wrapped up the road trip by scoring 25 points on 10 of 16 shooting, grabbing 10 boards, getting 2 steals and blocking 2 shots.  On this trip, Howard averaged 19.5 points, 8.5 rebounds, and 51% shooting.

2. Jason Terry - Wrapped up the road trip by scoring 19 points on 8 of 10 shooting, tossing out 7 assists, and knocking down 3 of his 4 shots from the 3 point line.  On this trip, JET averaged 20.5 points, 6 assists, and an amazing 64% shooting.  For a jumpshooting guard, 64% is a remarkable stretch.

3. Mavs Bench - There have been times where the Mavs bench has blown some big leads to the point that Avery has to dust off his starters to go seal the deal.  The bench has been a little underproductive on this trip, too.  But tonight, they clicked and allowed the starters to rest as they expanded the lead and killed the clock.  Diop had 8 boards and a block.  Stack had 7 points and 7 assists.  Cro had 7 points, 2 steals and an alley oop dunk that was as exciting as it was unathletic.  G2000 got back from injury and played a few more minutes, scoring 7 points.  Even Mo Ager and JJ Barea got about 5 minutes a piece to earn their checks.

RANDOM CRAP!

• The Hornets have now lost 21 straight games to the Mavs, dating back to when they were in Charlotte.  That's the longest active streak of one team's prowess over another in any of the four major pro sports leagues.
• The Mavs became the 10th team in league history to go 6-0 on a road trip, and it's the best trip in Mavs history.
• The Mavs averaged 100 points a game on this trip, while holding their opponents to 89 points.  The highest shooting percentage they allowed was 42%, and that was allowed to Detroit, the best team in the East, on the first game of the trip.
• I will not give a Cheer to Tyson Chandler or Jannero Pargo of the Hornets because this game was so out of hand, but Chandler was on fire early, and Pargo was draining 3's at the end.
• Enough with the stats, let's get to the good stuff.
• I didn't get to start the game until 8:30 because of American Idol.  Then I had to split my attention between the Mavs and my daughter, who insisted that I blow bubbles in her face for the next 20 minutes.
• Bob Ortegal.  Bob-O.  He was rich tonight.  Here's a few nuggets of wisdom and whimsy from this broadcast:  "There's always a silver lining.  It's just a matter of looking for it, finding it and believing it's there."  Poetry.  I stopped watching the game and went off in search of the Rainbow Connection.  Well, I wasn't alone.  It was the lovers, the dreamers and me.  "20 seconds isn't very long, folks!"  Bob-O can drop some knowledge, yo!  I was waiting for him to follow up with "50 pennies might look like a lot, but it's not much money."  "When (Tyson) Chandler has to guard Dirk, it takes away his effectiveness at the offensive end of the court."  Sounds pretty harmless, except that right as Bob-O says this, Chandler grabs a sick alley oop pass about 2 feet above the rim and about 4 feet away from it and then throws down a power jam that left the rim shaking for the entire next possession.  Bad timing, Bob-O.
• Dirk was supposedly fighting the flu and feeling lethargic, but he spun baseline and jammed home a 2 handed dunk over and between two Hornets big men.
• Dampier picked a good night to suck.  It didn't hurt the team.  But man, did he suck.
• Part of me wants the Hornets to make the playoffs this year, and no, it's not so that they will be our first round opponent that we've beaten 21 straight times.  It's because it would be a good way to reward the fans in Oklahoma City who have fervently embraced this team before they head back to New Orleans full time next year.  It would be a good way to piggy back off the success of the Saints and bring some inspiration, excitement and a distraction to the people of New Orleans.  The fact remains that if they make the playoffs, that pretty much means they will be swept out of the first round by the Mavs, possibly in embarrassing fashion.  For that reason alone, maybe it's best if the Hornets don't make the playoffs.  Of course, that's from a Hornets perspective.  I would love to see the Mavs sweep and demolish any first round opponent.
• Wouldn't it be interesting if the victor of a playoff series was able to pick one player off the team they just vanquished to add to their roster for the next round?  Last year we could have accumulated Pau Gasol, Tim Duncan and Steve Nash by the time we got to the Finals.  Then those players could return to their respective clubs in the offseason.  We could call it the POW rule.  You're right.  It would never work, but it would be interesting.
• Mo Ager will be good, but right now he just doesn't get it.  I really thought that he would have a small, yet noticeable impact this year, but he hasn't.  The funny thing is that the reason I was excited about him was his defensive capability, yet the main reason he hasn't gained Avery's trust is because he's way too sporadic and careless at the defensive end.  That, and he takes awful, ill-advised shots that he misses with great regularity.  But I'm not giving up on him yet.
• Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas has been reprimanded by the league for making two $10 bets with a couple of fans sitting courtside during his last game in Portland.  I think one of the bets was that he would hit the game winning shot.  He missed.  And he gave $10 to each fan by collecting their email addresses and sending them a check.  The NBA reprimanded him because they are petrified of any gambling-related stories involving their players or personnel, and because they know as much about having harmless fun as Elton John knows about being subtle.  If they are going to reprimand him for anything, it should be because he gave himself BOTH of his nicknames.  Of course, The Dude doesn't hold it against Agent Zero/Hibachi for self-applying a nickname.  I won't bother with explaining why.

3 CHEERS: MAVS 105 vs. BUCKS 103

DIRK'S DIGITS!

Dirk was on fire to start this game, going 6 of 10 from the floor, including 2 of 3 from behind the arc, for 17 points and 5 rebounds.  Then came the moment when my heart got lodged in my throat.  Dirk rolled his ankle again in the second quarter and was pretty much out for the rest of the game, hence the reason that Milwaukee almost stole this one from us.  Dirk should be fine, and he rolls an ankle at least 3 times a year.  Still a scary moment, regardless.

1. Michael Redd - With the exception of the Mavs holding him to only one missed shot for the entire 4th quarter, Redd was dynamite in this game.  He scored 34 points on 14 of 19 shooting, including 4 of 5 from behind the arc.  We tried to sign Redd a few years back, but the Bucks ponied up the dough to keep him.  I guess they figured since we punked them into trading us Dirk on draft day for Robert "Tractor" Traylor, they weren't about to let us steal their vastly underappreciated, very dynamic shooter from them, too.

2. Jason Terry - Someone had to step up in place of Dirk, and JET answered the call.  He went 10 of 17, including 4 of 9 from behind the arc, to continue his remarkable hot streak over the last 8 games.  He also tossed out 5 assists.

3. Jerry Stackhouse - Stack was equally responsible for stepping up in Dirk's absence and making sure we didn't drop a game to a bad team.  As Stack said, there were moments were they could have collectively said it wasn't their night and shut it down after a long, successful road trip, but this team doesn't quit and they refuse to lose.  Stack scored 21 points on 7 of 13 shooting, including 5 of 8 from 3 land, and tossed out 3 assists.

Honorable Mention: Mo Williams - He took over in the 4th where Redd started in the first 3 quarters.  He finished with 17 points on 7 of 21 shooting, grabbed 6 boards, tossed out 8 assists, and grabbed 3 steals.

RANDOM CRAP!

• Allow me to take this time to celebrate Mrs. Dude for scoring company tickets to the game.  We got to sit about 20 rows back from the visitor's bench, and we got to take my two most obnoxious friends to watch a game with us.  I let them take my notepad for a bit, and I will relay what they wrote down in a second.  Kevin has become a fan of Stackhouse, so he went nuts when Stack would drain a baseline 3.  He would also dog cuss every other Mav for not being as good as Stack.  He even yelled that Devin Harris should be cut at one point.  I ain't mad.  Rob has become a fan of mooching, so he went nuts when we offered him free tickets and a free beer if he held up a sign that he found at the game.  The sign read "I tip my beer for Dampler".  Nothing like a sign with a glaring typo on it.  The guy's name is Dampier, not Dampler.  At least Rob didn't make it himself.
• Some dude at the Mavs game was on the jumbotron during pregame because he got a Mavs tattoo on his shoulder.  It was a picture of a Mavs logo.  Harmless?  It was a picture of a skeleton dunking a basketball with flames of blood red fire into the top of the Mavs logo.  When asked where he got the ink done, he simply responded in a hickish, redneck accent, "Tyler, Texas."  Awesome.
• The little girl sitting in front of us is wearing a shirt that says "No Whining".  All she does for the first 10 minutes is bitch and moan about everything.  I guess that would be similar to me wearing a shirt that said "Don't Be Awesome".
• Here's what Rob wrote: Between the 3rd and 4th quarters, a girl with big juggs loses to a loser during a Rock, Paper, Scissors contest.  He won 2 out of 3 and walked off with a big cardboard check that said "For 2 to Vegas".  He started eating the check piece by piece and later died at the scene from constipation.
• Editor's note: The girl did have large breasts, but they were insanely obvious surgically enhanced.  She probably weighed 150 pounds with 50 of those pounds being boobies.  Also, the "loser" obviously was a winner, because he walked away with a trip for 2 to Vegas and got to sit across from a girl with 50 pounds worth of fake boobs for 2 minutes.  He also didn't eat the check, nor did he die of constipation.
• Here's what Kevin wrote: There once was a man named Jerry, Who's thuggish demeanor scared me, He blocked some shots, He hit some 3's, After 4 beers I couldn't help but pee.
• Editor's note: Kevin tried to get poetic by writing a limerick, however he apparently slept through the 3rd grade English lesson that clearly states that a limerick is a humorous verse of 5 lines, in which the first, second and fifth lines rhyme with each other, and the third and fourth lines, which are shorter, form a rhymed couplet.  I salute the effort, though.

ASK THE DUDE!

Dude:

Does it make me a bad person if I still think about and want to complain about the atrocious refs in last year's Finals?  Is it time to get over that?  What about still wanting to complain about Pat Riley putting Rolando Blackman in during Game 7 of the NBA Finals when John Starks when John Starks was single-handedly giving the Houston Rockets the game?  Am I a bad person?

Morlon Wiley in Dallas

Dear Morlon:

I see you are still bitter.  Guess what?  So am I.  And you're right about Starks in that Finals matchup between the Knicks and Rockets back in '95.  Riley underused two stellar former Mavs in Derek Harper and Rolando Blackman to the detriment of his team.  It's too bad that Riley is the parallel between your frustration in that Finals matchup and the most recent Mavs/Heat Finals matchup.  Refs aside, if Riley had Starks on his bench with the Heat last year, he most certainly would have benched Wade in Stark's favor.  That only would have helped us.  And that's the real reason to still be bitter.  And regardless of all that, you are a bad person.

Dude

Dirk goes for his 15,000th point tonight against the Knicks, and then it's the Suns on Sunday in Phoenix.  The game starts at 2:30.  My daughter's birthday party ends at 3:00.  I will try to pretend that I'm not anxious to leave and watch the game.  I'm sure when my daughter gets older, she'll understand.  I'm sure that regardless of how old my wife is, she wouldn't.  Thank God for Tivo.  Go Mavs!

Comments

[BigRiggs]

FYI: I was "compensated with beer by having a 1 and a 1/2 inch vertical jump. This was determinded by the "kiddie JUMP zone" where kids of all ages can test there jumping skills in front of all the mavs fan at the AA Center. WE MUST NOT FORGET!!! I was heavily clothed in boots jeans and a sweatshirts that really held my jumping ability down. I was also about 5 pounds heavier after borrowing Brandon and Kim's Nachos, Hot Dog and Pretzel.
FYI: #2 The girl with big boobs threw was cheating as she jumped up and down between each count of rock paper scissors.