Thanks to my buddy, Ricky, I have finally realized why the Mavs didn't win the Finals last year. They didn't make their own version of a brash, bold, cheesy rap video declaring their dominance above all others. I don't want to hear that it was done right the first time. The Mavs could do better:
We are the Mavs, running the court/Beating all the teams like we own the sport/A jumper, a trey, maybe even a dunk/The Mavs are gonna hit you with some Finals Funk
My name is Dirk, and I'm a German/My smooth jumpshot leaves the defenses squirmin'/They call me Stack, and I don't take jack/Driving the lane like a Cadillac/The JET is on the runway, and I move faster/If you can't keep up, your team's facing disaster/Some call me J-Ho, and I wear braces/You can see them when I smile as I dunk in y'all's faces/I'm Devin Harris, and I play with flair/Even though I can't grow facial hair/Dampier here, I don't always impress/But please don't boo, because I'm trying my best/Devean George, I want you to know me/I'm just glad I don't have to play with Kobe/You can call me Croshere, it's the name I prefer/'Cause I'm not pleased with all the other names I've heard/DeSagana Diop, they call me the cop/'Cause I'm slowin' down opponents like a traffic stop/We're Buckner and Johnson, we try to stay hot/We still suit up for the Mavs, in case you forgot/I'm DJ Mbenga, basketball fun/Not good rhyming, I sit down now
We are the Mavs, running the court/Beating all the teams like we own the sport/A jumper, a trey, maybe even a dunk/The Mavs are gonna hit you with some Finals Funk!
"Finals Funk" performed by The Mavs, lyrics by The Dude, funky bass line and dope record scratching by Avery Johnson, super fresh beatboxing by Del Harris, produced by Mark Cuban and Dr. Dre
Speaking of the Finals, the Mavs won't admit it publicly, but that win on Sunday in Miami felt good. I know it felt good to me, and I'm pretty confident that the Mavs and I are perfectly aligned emotionally. In fact, if the Mavs were writing this blog, it would go a little something like this:
3 CHEERS: MAVS 99 @ HEAT 93
DIRK'S DIGITS!
You can say what you will about Miami's record this year, the strength of the conference they play in, the injuries they've had, or the lack of emotion they've shown in defending their title; Miami came to play in this game. They gave the Mavs their most inspired and motivated showing of the season so far. So what does that say about the Mavs holding them off for the win? To me, all it says is that the Mavs were and are the better team, but the Mavs suffered a major case of the yips last June and allowed a hungry opponent an opportunity to steal one away from them. Of more importance, it tells me that the Mavs are even better this year, because they won this game with Dirk being the 4th best player on the court. He totaled 22 points on 10 of 23 shooting, and grabbed 11 boards. Solid game, but not the star, not by far. But the Mavs still prevailed. Good sign.
1. Dwyane Wade - The Golden Boy played his butt off in this one, and *shock and awe* single-handedly went to the line half as many times as the entire Mavs squad did. Before last year's Finals, I proclaimed Wade as my favorite non-Mav to watch, which would technically make him my 16th favorite player behind all 15 current Mavs from Dirk to Pops Mensah-Bonsu. After the Finals, I think I denounced him as my 16th favorite player, but I was angry. I spoke in the heat of the moment (no pun intended), and I said some things I didn't mean. I don't think I've healed enough to keep personal feelings out of it, so I can't put him back at 16 again, but maybe in my top 20? It may be too soon. That's what my therapist says, anyway. Oh, by the way, Wade scored 31 points on 12 of 21 shooting, which 6 boards, 6 assists and 2 steals.
2. Josh Howard - "Some call me J-Ho, and I wear braces/You can see them when I smile as I dunk in y'all's faces" - excerpt from "Finals Funk" by The Mavs (lyrics by The Dude). That copy of the lyrics is from the more radio-friendly, shorter version of the song. The original version goes about as long as an Iron Butterfly B-Side track, pushing 22 minutes. In it, Howard goes into a solo rap, in which he further explains his need for braces, how his incisors were growing into his bicuspids, and telling you to mention his name the next time you visit an Apple Orthodontics for a free toothbrush and dental floss. Trust me, it sounds more poetic on the vinyl than it reads on the page. On a national broadcast, Howard further stated his case for a spot on the All-Star team. He scored 25 points (9 of 18 shooting, 2 of 5 from 3, 5 of 7 free throws), grabbed 9 boards, and notched 3 assists and 2 steals.
3. Jerry Stackhouse - Who's house? Stackhouse! I know AJ wants to keep Stack around 20 to 25 minutes a game for most of the season, and I can live with that if it keeps him fresh for the playoffs. I can also live with it if he's going to continue to average about a point a minute like he's been doing lately. In 25 minutes, Stack had 23 points on 10 of 16 shooting. He also grabbed 3 boards and 2 steals.
RANDOM CRAP!
- The NBA is trying to clean up its thug image, and present a more palatable product to the average American. They already have the die-hards (the Dude) locked in, but instituting a player dress code, stiffening penalties for brash on-court and off-court behavior, and forcing players and management to keep their licenses and vehicle registrations current (that's not a joke. I wish I had come up with something that funny, but it's for real.) is part of the plan to present a more wholesome, family-friendly product to the casual fan. Well, nothing screams good, clean, wholesome family fun like the new NBA on ABC opening featuring The Pussycat Dolls. Not only did they choose a gimmicky pop group with scantily-clad women to preform the introduction to their national broadcast, but the song sucks and the one girl wearing (a much smaller and tighter version of) a Mavs jersey is wearing the gray one that we wore for one game 4 years ago and haven't worn since. If you are going to hypocritically and simultaneously promote piety and pole dancers, at least get the details right. And try not to make the song suck so bad while you're at it.
- Coming back from a timeout, ABC has some of its biggest stars on the network telling me how much I should love the NBA, and how I would never stop watching ABC when the NBA is on. Hey look! It's Jim Belushi. He's so funny on that show about the crazy things that happens to a man that has a family. You know, Home Improvement. No, wait, it's Everybody Loves Raymond. Nope, maybe it's The Cosby Show. Oh well, whatever it's called, I'm sure that it's almost as hilarious as the fake, canned laughter leads me to believe it is, and in no way is it unoriginal in origin. Hey, look at that! It's Eva Longoria! I'm not even watching a F**kin' Spurs game and I have to see Eva Longoria on my television screen! Make it stop! Oh, I have Tivo, I can just fast forward. Thank God.
- So much for Tivo. I was running a little behind on the recorder due to an unexpected bathroom break, and while I was inactive, my 22-month-old daughter, Payton, grabbed the remote and changed the channel, deleting the memory of the game that I had been saving. I missed most of the 2nd quarter as a result. In case you were wondering, it was only a single-flusher and all is well.
- Josh Howard hit a jumper in the 3rd quarter, the Heat coach said something to him, Howard said something back, and the refs gave Howard a technical. According to Howard and the Heat coach, it wasn't trash talk or even a heated debate over the importance of thermo-nuclear energy. The ref just saw Howard saying something towards the Heat bench, jumped to a conclusion, and decided to put Howard one bad whistle away from ejection and award a free throw to the Heat. All for not knowing what was going on to begin with. Maybe the league should look into cleaning this part of the game up to attract viewers that can't understand the rules of the NBA because the refs change them from game to game and blow whistles based on personal opinion, assumptions and perceptions rather than by-the-book, cold, hard facts.
- On that same note, towards the end of the game when the Heat were getting really close, Howard came off a screen and traveled with the ball. It was an obvious travel, and even Howard paused for a second waiting for the whistle. But the whistle didn't come. The ref that was standing right on the sideline, not 15 unobstructed feet from Howard, either didn't see it or didn't feel like enforcing it . . . until all the spectators seated about 2 feet behind him jumped up and started yelling in his ear that it was a travel and he blew the call. The ref, with his stoic demeanor and rock solid resolve, was swayed by the crowd to change his mind on the situation, and blew the whistle on the travel violation roughly 3 seconds after the fact. To be honest, I don't even know what upsets me the most about this scenario, so I just won't even go into it.
- In typical Dwyane Wade fashion, he throws his body into the middle of a scrum for the ball, comes out limping like his leg has been severed at the tibia, dramatically hobbles to the locker room, then emerges about 3 minutes later like a spring chicken to dash about the court and score 31 points. I remember him doing this during the Finals while he was averaging about 40 points a game. Just a little advice if you want to move back up to 16th on my list: the reason Willis Reed is remembered for his walk onto the court at the start of game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals despite a torn thigh muscle is because he only did it once. You do it every game. Repetition and inspiration seldom ride the same buggy. And that cute little part that you shaved into your hair in the shape of your jersey number (3), lose that.
We are the Mavs, running the court/Beating all the teams like we own the sport/A jumper, a trey, maybe even a dunk/The Mavs are gonna hit you with some Finals Funk!
Lennon/McCartney only wish they had penned such poetic rhymes. Shoot, Run-DMC wish they had penned it. Instead, The Dude penned it, and the world is better for it. The Mavs record "Finals Funk", and they are breaking out of their Finals funk (somebody ring my literary symbolism bell - DING!). Now if I can just convince the whole team (plus Dr. Dre) to get on board. We could have a video out by April for our playoff run. Then we can go on a Mav-ical Mystery Tour. I am the walrus. Go Mavs!
I was watching the Orlando game the other night and with about two minutes left or so in the first half, they came back from a break and had the camera on a Mav's fan. He was a large fellow and he beared some resemblance to our soon to be daddy, Joey. If you saw this, you had a glimpse of what the Ho would look like with about 70 lbs packed on. It gave me a chuckle ha ha.
Posted by: kevin | January 25, 2007 at 08:02 AM
When can we expect The Wooden Swing commercial featuring freestylin' rap lyrics?
Posted by: Ricky | January 24, 2007 at 04:08 PM