The following is a copy of the original 3 Cheers email, sent out after the eleventh Mavs playoff game of the '05-'06 season.
So, I just read in the paper that playing ping-pong can burn 270 calories an hour. Fascinating stuff. Oh, you want to talk about the Mavs? Well, okay, I suppose we can. I will have a hard time confining this to 3 Cheers and 3 Jeers (plus the bonuses that I give which kind of makes the title of this email a big joke). I also have to say that I received more phone calls between 10:00 and 10:30 than I get in a normal week. I promised a thank you to my boy Jeff Piper for the call, and to my wife, Kim, who has given me most of the different occupation ideas for Bruce Bowen in the Real World. The Karma Gods have smiled on the Mavs, and they have smiled on this email. 3 Cheers lives on.
Let's butter this bread.
Let's butter this bread.
3 Cheers:
1. Dirk Nowitzki - Speaking of bread and butter, that's what you are to this team. You've proved it all season, and you have continued to prove it during the playoffs. 37 points, 15 rebounds, and one very important block to keep the Spurs from winning at the buzzer in regulation. You even said after your air ball 3 pointer at the end of Game 6 that you should have driven the ball. You followed through this time, down 3, driving the ball to the bucket, drawing the foul and calmly tying the game with a cold blooded free throw. Win me a championship, and I will tattoo the number 41 on my butt cheek. Some of you laugh. Some of you know that I would actually do it.
2. Tim Duncan - 41 points, 15 rebounds, 6 assists, 3 blocks, and you got to the line 23 times. I think this must be what it felt like for Sixers fans going against Larry Bird, or maybe Jazz fans going against Michael Jordan. You hate them because they are beating you all the time, but you can't help but respect their gift. The difference is that we did beat you this time. But honestly, I don't think we beat YOU. We beat your team. You were phenomenal, and as I've always said, if I one day come across a vote for the Hall of Fame, you win first ballot election. Unfortunately, I have to wait until next November to see that expression on your face after every play. The one that looks like, "What?!? What do you mean that my favorite blankie burned up in the dryer?!?" That expression should be captured for your bronze bust when you do go in the Hall.
3. Jason Terry - You knew what you had to do last night, and you did it. You hit shots, not groins. You scored points, not suspensions. You redeemed yourself for what you did at the end of Game 5 that caused you to sit out Game 6. Now it's time to revisit your undoing from last season's playoffs, your predecessor, Steve Nash. The Mavs go as Dirk goes, but you and Josh Howard are the X-factors. Go get it. And as a side note, unless Nash does something atrocious during the next series, he will never get a jeer. It hurt too bad to give Finley one, and it would hurt just as much to give Nash one.
(Bonus Cheer: DeSagana Diop - I don't think I've given you a cheer during the entire playoffs. I've given one to Erick Dampier and even DJ Mbenga, but I don't think I've given one to you. Now's your turn. Your name is fun to say. The "D's" are silent so your name is Sah-GAH-Nah JAAP. Say it 3 times out loud. It's fun. Try saying it in the voice of Johnny 5 from that movie Short Circuit. Anyway, you didn't start for the first time in a long time, but you didn't sulk. Instead, you wound up staying out of foul trouble, supplying stellar defense on Duncan when it mattered, and even contributing some offense to the fold. You even had your nose broken by Duncan, and you still held tough. Here's to you, Sah-GAH-Nah JAAP!
3 Jeers:
1. Manu Ginobili - Finally you are back where you belong. I'm not even jeering you because I can't stand you, either. I'm jeering you because you did something that helped the Mavs. I'll try to take you back to middle school basketball, which is the highest level I've played (Backup point guard on the B-Team, baby). When you are up by 3 points with only 30 seconds left and your opponent is driving to the hoop for an easy 2, DON'T FOUL! If you do decide to foul, MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T SCORE! I know you hit the 3 to put the team ahead, but you gave the points right back with that play, then blew a lay-up that could have won it in regulation. Thanks, Doo-Doo.
2. Conspiracy Theory - I can't go out of this series without one last shot at the refs. It does look a little fishy that the Mavs were up 20 points, but all of a sudden the Spurs wind up going to the line all the time. At one point, Tim Duncan had more free throw attempts than the entire Mavs team. The free throws evened out mostly, but the fouls were still pretty inconsistent. I'm not saying you wanted the Spurs to win or you would have called a phantom foul on Dirk when he blocked Duncan at the end of regulation. I'm just saying that it seems a little weird that for the first half, everything's cool and the Mavs are tearing it up. Then all of a sudden, we have 3 players foul out doing the exact same thing they were doing in the first half and our lead completely vanishes. I'm just saying.
3. Mavs Role Players - This could have been a huge jeer if the outcome had been different, but I didn't want it to be overlooked. Your bread and butter is Dirk Nowitzki. Everyone on the roster without a German name is a role player. If you score points, great. That's what you need to do. If you play defense, grab rebounds, make assists, block shots, great. That's what you need to do. What you don't need to do is get so good at your job that you start thinking that you are now the bread and butter. You are and will always be, as long as Dirk is on this team, the knife that spreads the butter on the bread. You are an accessory, like my daughter's hair bows. The entire time we were losing the lead, I watched possession after possession of you guys jacking up jump shots without Dirk even touching the ball. That shouldn't happen. Ever.
(Bonus Jeer: Bonus Jeers - Why did I list one of these? The Mavs just won one of the greatest playoff series in NBA history. If it hadn't have been in the second round, it would have been on ESPN Classic already. There's nothing to jeer anymore. I don't hate the Spurs. Hell, half my extended family lives in San Antonio. I just hate Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, and Bruce Bowen, which bring us to our final episode of . . .)
Bruce Bowen in the Real World: Episode 7 - Bowen, Life Guard
In today's episode, Life Guard Bowen sits in his perch, white sun block caked on his nose, aviator sunglasses, and super shiny whistle glistening in the sun. He's a man of purpose, a man of safety, a man of action. Wait, what's that? Some 7-year-old little turd is running by the pool! Life Guard Bowen hops into his zip line harness and zooms down to tackle the child, popping the kid's arm floaties as he hits the concrete. As the kid's parents come over, Life Guard Bowen looks at them like he didn't do anything wrong, then pretends to yawn as he elbows the kid in the nose for good measure. Suddenly, he sees a group of pre-teens playing in a group, but they are venturing too near the deep end during diving board hour! Bowen kicks the 7-year-old in the gut to spring into action. He shouts out "MARCO!!" as he dives on top of one of the little girls and wrestles her in the water. It looks similar to when an alligator attacks a little fawn trying to take a drink in the river. Then he pauses, sniffs around, and realizes the worst of the worst catastrophes has occurred. Someone urinated in the pool! The large, tubby man, nursing a beer and eating a hoagie while sunbathing in the shallow end has no idea the fate that will soon become of him. Life Guard Bowen stands over him, unzips his fly, and returns the favor on the hoagie. The pool managers are informed of the afternoon's occurrences, but they claim they didn't see anything, and that it was probably just "hard nosed life guarding." The End.
Thank you for reading Bruce Bowen in the Real World. Nobody was harmed during the course of this series, or at least that's what Bruce Bowen would have you believe.
In the words of George Harrison, "Here comes the Sun(s)" so get ready for Wednesday night at 7:30. It's a perfect storm of entertainment. The American Idol final results show, the 2 hour season finale of Lost, and Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals featuring your Dallas Mavericks. Whatever will I watch? Thank the Lord for Tivo. Be good to yourselves and others, and I will see you Thursday morning. Go Mavs!!!!
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